I Could Feel This Heavy Disappointment At The Bottom Of My Heart

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

2:59 PM

( green stands for edit )

*lets out a mixture of long sighs and relief*

1/3 moRe tO tHe sMeLl oF toTaL freedom ~ tHiS iS tHe tHiNg i haD beeN couNtiNg dowN eVeR siNcE tHe sTaRt oF aUgUsT.. bUt, tHe oUtcoMe oF wHaT i soW areNt tHe tHiNgs i aNtIcIpatEd . . . pErhaPs iTs bEcaUsE i dIdNt haVe eNoUgH wiLl aNd hEaRt tO pUt iN moRe eFfoRt tO sTudY tHiS seMesTeR.. iTs bEcaUsE tHerE aRe sErioUsLy tooooooooooo maNy dIsTracTioNs.. aNd iTs bEcaUsE tHerE aRe tooooooooo maNy LoNg hoLidaYs tHaT tHe hoLidaY mOod sEaT iN faR tooooooo sooN.. i tHiNk faLl seMestErs stinkkkkkkkkkkk !! LooKiNg bAcK aT mY spRiNg aNd suMmEr seMesTeRs, i deFiNiteLy dId ziLLioN tiMes bEtTer.. ):

i woNdEr iF mY daYs aRe sTaRtiNg tO haVe naMes.. iF iT iS, i tHiNk mY saTuRdaYs wouLd rEaLly bE caLled saturday fever bEcaUsE i wAs soooooooooooo bLoodY uNlucKy tO haVe feVeR foR tHe LaSt o3 saTuRdaYs.. aNd iT sTiLl hAd tO coMe oN tHe saTuRdaY wHeRe i NeEd tO mUg foR mY exaMs.. Fuckyou. bEcaUse oF tHe hIgH feVeR, i wAstEd aLmosT tHe wHoLe daY sLeEpiNg jUsT tO tReaT tHe bLoodY hEadacHe aNd aLl tHe yUcKy syMptoMs..

suNdaYs nIgHt wouLd tHeN bE caLlEd sleepless night, tHe aFtErMatH oF sLeEpiNg TOO mUcH.. aNd i woNdEr iF tHaT acTuaLly aFfectEd mY pErFoRmaNcE oN mY tWo paPeRs oKaY !

moNdaYs wouLd tHeN bE caLl unlucky until cannot unlucky ! i caNnot fucKiNg beLieVe tHaT eVeN wHeN tHiNgs hAd tO bEcoMe miNi, eVeN wHeN i sPeNt o2 daYs pRacTiciNg,



i can still do so fucking bad on my final resulting the grade that i worked hard for to change, which in turn affects my gpa A LOT. F.u.c.k. tell me what is wrong ?! i thought the paper was okay and i would be able to get my desire grade. but, are you kidding me !?

and the rotten luck carried on to the chemistry paper which was i fucking dont know okay. i really dont wish to prepare for the worst, but that feeling is too strong. too strong. wHaTeVeR iS iT, mY miNd woNt bE aT easE uNtiL tHe daY i sEe mY fiNaL gRadE . . . wHicH migHt bE tMl.. sighssssssss. AND I WAS soooo 'LUCKY' THAT THE WORST ACTUALLY CAME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NOW I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO SETTLE. iwanttocrysomuch.whyisthishappeningtome.

i kNoW wHaT's doNe iS doNe, bUt iM sTiLl very disappointed iN mYseLf foR wHaT i hAvE doNe.. maybE i rEaLly dIdNt pUt eNoUgH eFfoRt wHeN i kNoW mY cLassEs froM tHiS seMesTeR tiLl tHe daY i coMpLetEd mY edUcatioN wiLl bE very very very toUgH..

if you not going to do better or anything about it and continue to slack like some fucking shit, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO REACH YOUR DREAMS FOR FUCKING SURE !! and you have no one else to blame expect YOURSELF. and please stop finding excuses like those above. ( but, i just think this will get through your brain only on situations like these. its not fucking going to stay inside. you will get over it and carry on with your slacky life. perhaps, you could just, forget about having big dreams, denise. )

Its really time for some REAL self reflection