Monday, January 02, 2006 7:23 PM
read in silenceim going to do a proper clean up and say byee to everything that happened in 2oo5. if any words / lines in this entry will affect your thoughts in any way ; SORRY. im just saying what i really feel directly from my heart. SORRY if i took your pics without your permission.
2oo5 has gone and it can NEVER return again. so many things happened but unfortunately many were bitter incidents. all the things i could get was very realistic stuffs that my parents could gave me easily. but i can never get the things that i REALLY wanted like the person that i fell for. it never happens. and it made me lose so much faith in GOD. wondering if im here on earth to take all his punishment ONLY. no good rewards that i could only get it by myself. everytime this thinking cross my mind ; i felt like committing sucide. yeaa. i know i might / will sound desperate here. but ; i dont know. who doesnt want to be love by someone ? who doesnt ? i thinks GOD`s really TOO unfair. do you know ; GOD ? friends around me fell for someone that touches their heart and the someone likes back them too. why is it SO unfair ? why wouldnt YOU just let some GOOD fairytales or whatever relationships stuffs to happen on me ? i felt being so un-loved. yeaa. i have my family and friends ; but they do have their own life. all my wish for 2oo6 from YOU is just to let everyone around me be safe and in good health and have some fairytales happening in my life. of course not forgetting about my studies. i dont even know if i will leave singapore and go to usa. i wont know till the time comes. only YOU know. only YOU. its YOU who planned everything in my life. but why made me looked so pityfully and going around looking for love ; being so bloody fucking desperate ?! WHY ? i dont want this to happen either. it was YOU who made me think this way on the last day of 2oo5. it was YOU. i still continue to believe in YOU ; praying to YOU though YOU really made me want to hate YOU.
YUWANNA ; we have been best friends for like o5 years already. how time flies. i still remember the time we wrote letters and send emails though we still see each other everyday in school. those letters really contain so many so many deep deep secrets. and its been like months since i saw you and had a really nice chat with you. i miss those times when we were in primary school. it was really nice to know you and i knew i could really share everything in my heart with you. you were the first to let me feel this year in my life. i hope we will have the time to spent with each other. be it a few hours or one day ; its enough. its enough. i will always keep a place of you in my heart no matter how far we drift apart. lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
HASLINDAH ; haHa. its been so long since i type your name this way. first ; after reading your entry that state " (15) friendship wid denise chia is oso losing cause we didnt spent much time together, we're directly in front of each other but behave like strangers =(( ; this is totally horrible too ! if you're saying you dont feel or realise it, i know you're lying ! ='( " i immediately didnt deny. i admitted in my heart straight away. during that period of time ; i felt so upset. i was thinking of ways of how to save your fragile friendship. but i couldnt and i broke down somehow. i was so afraid of losing you. i didnt dare to say that we were drifting away xpect to write some thoughs and fears in my blog and not mentioning any name of yours. but im glad that both of us didnt gave up on this friendship and we still managed to get closer a little as time goes by. im really really so glad. though we only get to go out o1 day during the hols ; it was enough. im habee that you still trust me and share your problems. though i cant helped you in any ways ; but i still want you to know that im willing to listen to you now ; later or anyday anytime. be yourself and no matter how you become ; i will still accept you for who you are. lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
ANGELA ; haHa. yeaa. i know i took this pic of yours without your permission. but you look beautiful in it ! HAHA. can you believe that exactly o3 years has passed and its the time we knew each other ! HAHA. time really flies. i remember the first time i saw you in 1/3`s classroom ; you were so cheerful and hyperactive. your laughters warm people hearts and brighten up the days. your laughters were brighter than the scorching sun ! but as days goes by and when i get to know you more ; darkness do exists in your life. but im glad that you are mature enough to be so strong. so strong that i couldnt imagine. you never fail to console and crap with me whenever we chat online. at times you made me laugh from my heart and im really glad that you are willing to share your problems with me ! look forward and i believe that o1 day you will get over him and someone new will come into your life and love you ! and though you always bully me but i still love you so and i still shower you with those sweet chocolates ! lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
SZEHUI ; okays. now you know what im doing with your one and only precious photo specially for me. see how beautiful you look in the photo ! i still remember how we got to know each other. saw you during co practices yet and next you added me in friendster and msn afterwards. and its really a wonder that we could chat on msn but not face to face ! HAHA. yeaa. but after a little while ; i didnt know why and how we started sharing so much problems and secrets. that you became the little worm in my stomach. i know you find it disgusting. HAHA. but its the only way to say ! HEHE. you never fail to know what im thinking like that blur and dark photo i showed you ! HAHA. at times i could tell you something that i couldnt opened my mouth to tell others. perhaps you are really the best worm in me ! HAHA. and congrates ! you have gotten over him and this shows you have became braver and stronger in the new year ! this will help if i leave singapore this year. yeaa. you must be strong no matter what okays ? dont always cry. though its nice crying but you are going to be 16 in o2 days times. must grow up so you can teach me to be more matured too though im already more matured than you. but never mind. learning wont die. dont be so lazy and study hard for this final year okays. its an important year for you. dont ever give up though i know its hard and it sucks ! its been a pleasure to know you for the past o2 / o3 years. i could share so much with you. i could crap and laugh out my heads so much with you. i could get to go out with you once and i look forward to the o4 of us going out together. dont forget what you said ! you will take a photo with me on your birthday ! HAHA. dont deny okays. lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
and remember the first neo we took ? HAHA.
elmo wasnt with us. x(
YIBIN ; i remembered the first time we went out together and took plenty of neos. HAHA. and it turned out so nice. since then ; you had changed so much. you became so much prettier ! HEHE. it was a pleasure to know you since you entered the school and joined co. you were always so habee and cheerful. you never fail to smile and whenever you frown many friends around you including me will be worried for you. so ; dont ever frown again okays ? a new year of course you have to smile everyday ! and because of you ; i can watch so many nice ; funny and sweet korean show. and i bet you will like and cry when you watch sad love story ! remembered the day when szehui told you and you told shiling that im leaving singapore ? HAHA. i will never forget the looks on the face of the both of you ! its so serious yet funny. HAHA. it will warm my heart a lot. i never regretted knowing you ; shiling and more ! all of you are a bunch of sweet and cheerful gurx who brings so much joy to everyone ! i never forget that you are barney ! HEHE. lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
JIAWEN ; i know you wont come and read this message that i had for you. but its okays. i still want to have it for you here. it only began around end of 2oo4 then i only got to know you more and became closer to you. it was so much fun to be with you and the two of them. we had laughters whenever the o4 of us are together. no matter where we went ; we lose face. HAHA. but its alright because we dont have face anymore. its being thrown all over the place. it was nice sharing with you those guys we saw and gave short form names for them. especially that period about that particular guy in co ! HAHA. and now the gurx we dont like seeing and insist that the other party sees her if the another party saw her. HAHA. i know i always make a fool and tease you. but it was all just for fun. i know you dont mind. i just have so much things to say to you but i dont know how to place them in words. HAHA. in short ; im glad to know you and glad that i created so much memories with you to keep them forever. i will always have the look when you are habee and mad ; and the look when you are angry. HAHA. i know and hope i can still share many many things with you. and i also hope that you will continue to share many many things with me. i hope our friendship will go on forever ! lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
XINHUI ; the first impression i had on you was ; you looked like a rich gurx. and i only got to know you when i had to shift place near lin and you. then the three of us became close and even took neos together. HAHA. whenever i looked at it ; the three of us changed so much so much. to tell you the truth ; and please dont take it to heart okays. its the past and its over. forgive me. there was some period in sec2 ; i didnt had a good impression on you and i didnt like you. HAHA. but things happened made my thoughts of you changed ! its alright now. yeaa ; i swear. no hard feelings yeaa ? for the past o1 year + ; there were periods that we were so close and periods where we drift apart. but after o1 big round ; we are still good friends. we been going out on dates for many times and even took so many neos and photos. you were the first to see me wearing the shirt that i didnt dare to wear. and i realised you had been encouraging me for so many things. i know o1 day i will be sitting beside you in a roller coaster ride and i saw jiawen and liping in the picture too. we shared and created so much funny things. like the day where that stupid sticky thing sticked onto my arm ; we saw bus 18o as bus 19o ; walked almost the whole of ECP ; went missing in singapore and many many more. there were just too many memories that i couldnt remember anymore ! HAHA. just too much. i hope after you read this ; nothing will affect the friendship between us ! lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
JIAWEN&XINHUI ;
remember the first neo we took together ?
HAHA. we changed so much. we looked so toot last time eh. so funny. well ; actually i know there`s a period in sec2 the both of you didnt like me. and both of you wrote a note to each other about me. and i happened to read that note. remembered the next day i didnt hang out with the rest of you ? yeaa. this was the reason ; because both of you didnt like me. and i dont like the feeling to be with you all knowing you all hated me. i didnt like it. and moreover i didnt want you all to see the person you dislike. that`s why i hang out with the malay gurx. but dont know what happened ; myabe GOD didnt want my life to be so miserable because it was too miserable already. He let me be friends with the both of you again. so from on now ; if any of you dislike me tell me okays. if okays if im upset but its better than being kept in the dark. but i pray that it wont happened forever. i need friends a lot a lot. without friends ; im dead. i wont know how to walk ; talk ; laugh ; smile ; be angry or anything. lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
LIPING ; WEWE. you are a superb friend in my life ! i will never forget the thing that happened in sec1 ; i was asked by mdm koh to talk to you and in the end i was scolded for talking too much. then our row was super noisy because of mas ; sweephoon and me ! HAHA. we kept talking and im glad that you arent like what you are in sec1 already ! you became talkative ! thank me yeaa ? HAHA. love going home with you on bus rides where we would talk and laugh so much at stuffs we saw ; share some secrets and gossips. i also recall the time where we went to shop clothes for CNY for you. tianchong and me told you not to keep on buying black shirts and stuffs. HAHA. dont forget to call me along if you are buying clothes for CNY this year too. HAHA. m so glad i met you because you are always there for me and i can share many stuffs with you. a new year ; and we must study really hard ! no matter what ; i will be there for you ! lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
JIAWEN&XINHUI&LIPING ; 2oo5 was the year where the o4 of us got closer and spent most of the time together because of co. HAHA. so much things happened whenever we go out. and many were so funny yet embarrassed. i remembered once was we went to watch drink drank drunk movie and i fart ! HAHA. liping and me will always burp in front of each other or whenever we wanted to burp looking at the other party always works. xinhui pulled jiawen shorts on the day of co night. the three of you bullied me on my birthday. jiawen got to know some weird guys through sms. we played and chatted in class during free periods. so much to recall but too little brain cells to remember. im just habee to be good friends with the three of you. all of you brought me a lot of joy. whenever i think back memories with you ; i would smile and laugh at myself. lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
FRIENDS WHO APPEARED IN MY LIFE ; like szerui, felicia, huimin, barry, tianwen, pam, abu, ridzuan, dalton, guanxian, joe, aloy, haikal, firdaus, khengyeow, mingjun, nurul, jianlong, wanying, etc from lianhua primary. keith, lengfei, cal, louis, yuanting, shiling, mas, aisyah, lala, syahril, sweephoon, shi ting, zhiying, gera, sandy, baoying, seniors, juniors, classmates from 1/3, 2/3 and 3/2 etc from cckss. thanks for coming into my life where so many memories are created and shared. without this bunch of friends ; i will lose out so much in my life. i wont not know so much things. i cant afford to lose any friends esp friends from lianhua primary ! since each and everyone went their own seprate ways ; we hardly kept in touch anymore. sighs. but im glad i managed to find so many of my old friends back and they still remembered me. i won forget the outing i had with some of them at town. it was so nice and warm ! i really miss those memories i had from lianhua primary ! sighs. and though i really hate cckss so much and even wanted to transfer school ; but life still goes on. and so much nice memories were created there. those seniors i knew were great. and those guys that my bunch of friends and me noticed and talked about. those ass sec1 juniors we didnt like ; we talked about them too. at times ; i also hate my this year class a lot. remembered the time where we chased away so many teachers ; open class chalet ; made so much noise in class ; failed amaths so badly and many more. and not forgetting those memories during sec1 and sec2 ! 2/3 became the class of hell ! in the end ; i love class of hell so much ! the sec2 camp where we were really had so much teamwork ; the class party we had ; bullied mdm koh where she once fell down when she wanted to sat on the chair. but no matter what ; i thank all of you for being my lovely and rare friends. sorry if i ever said or did anything that hurt the friendship between us. sighs. time flies and soon everyone would be going on seperate ways again. lastly ; i still thank GOD for you no matter what good or bad things happen be it in the past present and future.
MR L ; unknowingly about a year plus has past and the first and last birthday gift you received was the first time i bought that for a guy. because of your humorous and cheerful character ; you let my heart set upon you. as time goes by ; the feelings grew deeper and stronger. i never fail to see you whenever there was a chance. i never fail to walk big rounds on purpose just to see you. i never fail to smile whenever i recevied a message from you. i never fail to keep on thinking of what to chat online. i never fail to smile at you whenever i saw you. i never fail to talk to you whenever i could. i never fail to stop doing anything that was related to you. i still have the o3 things i had about you and also the birthday gift for me in return. as time goes by ; you had to go. it was a very long period i couldnt see you again. i felt upset and even wish time could stop. that very day ; you return and i could only peek from a corner to see you. you changed so much. since then i didnt saw you anymore. o1 day ; i got to know you had fallen for someone. my heart broke and feelings had to fade. i told myself i had to disappear because i didnt want you to see me anymore. suddenly you just appeared in front of me. i couldnt continued eating. i couldnt say anything. i gave you a cold shoulder. i nearly broke down. i just wanted to rush home and cry. i sat o1 corner and when it was time to head home ; i hurried off without saying a goodbyee to you. since then ; i guess i didnt saw you anymore. feelings totally fade. another sudden incident happened. you re-appeared at the mall. she didnt had enough time to tell me and the another she told me to look there. i though it was some guys ; i turned and saw you in a blur state yet i quickly turned away. she told me the new look you had. and i regretted not looking after i told her luckily i didnt saw you. after that incident ; i didnt hope for anything about you. the feelings totally fade away. its been such a long time since i chatted / sms with you. but there was once i had a short conversation with you ; i felt so weird. i didnt know what to talk and in the end the conversation broke off. i went to see your photos and i know you are habee and im glad for you ; MR L. im glad i met you though things didnt work out. you brought me many habee and cute memories. i would never forget the day i stayed in school for the sake of you and the stuffs that happened. till now ; you didnt know my feelings i once had for you. most importantly ; i had to thank GOD for making those things that happened.
MR M ; i didnt know when and how you appeared in my life. it was so sudden. i guess it was fate planned by GOD yet a terrible fate He gave me. its only around late september then i started noticing you by them. you strike out a lot among that group of guys. since then ; i had the motivation to go to school. just to catch a sight of you. you was the first person i would see everyday. that particular place and time. i would have the feeling of going to school with you. you wont take a look at the people around you. never you did. i hard a very hard time trying to get a very little bit of your attention. it was hard. but still ; i tried holding on though i had little strength left. o1 month went by and it was the holidays. we had to go back to school. one particular day ; your friend noticed what was going on. i could or maybe i should say he`s clever and really hope that he was you instead. at that time ; i was so afraid that he would tell you about me. but im glad he didnt. that night ; when my friend called me and told me about it i was overjoyed. i couldnt control my feelings. he tried helping me. but failed. it was alright. because i was contented enough just to see you laughing with your friends. she tried asking from him for your number. but i didnt want. i couldnt remember what happened that made me so afraid that i will spoilt your relationship with her. i was. and i told myself i had to stop looking at you for the time being. i failed to do so. i peek instead. then the days of going back to school for me has stopped. and there were a few weeks i didnt saw you. yet ; you didnt really often appeared in my mind. the day before i left for my holidays in dec ; you did something and i felt i was the happiest gurx in the whole wide world ! HAHA. i shared the joy with someone immediately. she felt habee for me too. then i kept thinking if that matter was getting a little bit of your attention. i didnt know how to answer that question because you did the same thing to the another her. i told myself perhaps i shouldnt think so much. finally during o1 of the holidays i saw you accidently because of o1 stranger that ran past you and my eyes met you. i stopped a little while and thought who was it. HA. you changed a lot. the feeling i saw you from sep till the day i couldnt see you anymore was totally different. yet i felt habee seeing you for that little while. after a few days ; gurxfriend told me what happened. and i felt jealous and of course envy. i told myself i could take the chance to like make you notice me a little bit through her. but i didnt know where to start from. gurxfriend wanted to give me something but i didnt took it because i would be just saving it. what for ? it will only make me feel worst. sighs. i do wish i was always from the same school as you. then maybe matters would turn out differently. she once asked me if i like you whenever i mentioned about you to her. all i could give her was a i dont know. i dont know if those feelings were infatuations or real. i was afraid to face it if its really just infatuations. till today ; i still dont know the real answer in me. i prayed to GOD and hope He would make something nice happen. but ; i dont think He will answer my prayers. still i thank GOD for letting me know you. He was nice enough.
MR I ; a total of o3 years had passed. i still often rewind those days i had with you. i just couldnt get rid of them. i would often asked about you from her. but she isnt that clear about you too. if only i put that school in front. perhaps i could still know what`s happening to you. she gave me a dairy of the things that happened about you between you, her and me. whenever i read through them, i still remembered them clearly. the images were so fresh that they just happened yesterday. i often asked myself if you kept the gift i gave you before we finished primary school. but i wont not know the answer forever. in 2oo3 ; i went back to school. i waited but i didnt saw you. i felt so disappointed. then the next o2 years ; i didnt went back anymore. still ; you didnt appeared. i know in 2oo2 ; the reason why you didnt appeared. do you know i was so worried when she told me what happened to you ?! i broke down and wonder why you became like that. all these years ; i only yearn to catch a glimpse of you ; MR I. i know its impossible yet i dont want to give up. i dont want to. if only time could turn back. if only you didnt get into a relationship with my best friend. if you didnt ; perhaps things wouldnt became this way. i wont be living in regrets. i would love you as much as i could. but all these couldnt happen anymore. today ; im wondering if thinking of you was just a habit or for real. i dont know. i really miss you so much. i hope o1 day i would bump into you all over again. GOD ; please dont make him disappear in my life.
finally everything i wanted to say out of my heart is done. its lighter now yet scars are always never to be disappear. i thank GOD for those friends and memories i had for living for the past 15 years. thank you though You treated me this way.
o1o2o6 ;
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i nearly fucking cried lahz ! the stupid blogger lahz ; made my this super long post that took me o3 days to complete missing ! then i thought i need to re-type or type a post that it went missing. luckily i saw the search box and typed in the title. and i found it back ! ohmy. thank GOD and sorry for scolding you just now ! OOPS.
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