Monday, December 05, 2005 3:35 PM
i dont know how to love anyone anymore.
since one after another infatuations i had.
i fear that the feeling would be fake again.
i fear that im just placing my love on something which isnt true.
which i guess its just a habit or the outer looks they got.
or even the moments where we kept having communication with each other.
knowing its unreal yet i still didnt pick myself up from the hole ;
but sink even deeper till soon after i woke up.
its seems to be dreams.
dreams that are so real yet so fake.
i dont know how to handle those sudden emotions in me.
maybe friends were right.
the feelings were infatuation.
not true.
i just got used to see you everyday at the same time and bus.
but im habee after seeing you.
how do you xplain this ?
maybe i shouldnt ask for any xplainations about all these.
thruout the holidays ;
i didnt get to see you anymore.
no more.
not even a glimse.
and i guessed it has become a habit.
a habit i got so used to it ;
no longer a need to see you anymore.
maybe i didnt had you in my heart from the first place.
maybe i didnt even fall for you from the first place.
maybe im only admiring your outer looks.
maybe this had nothing to do with any fake / true feelings.
its just that your looks attracted my attention to notice you.
i know no matter what happens ;
we still have to leave secondary school and take another greater step forward.
and more over ;
you are leaving earlier than me.
so much earlier.
365 days earlier.
yeaa.
maybe you did entered my heart.
maybe you did let me have some true feelings for you.
maybe you had walked out of my heart long ago.
its just that ;
i didnt dare to admit this fact that lies in front of me.
after so long ;
im back to the same place.
where i have no feelings for anyone.
and no one has feelings for me.
no one ever in this whole would fall for someone like me.
a place where im left with no friends again.
someone who is so stubborn.
someone who is so fussy.
someone who is so unlikeable.
leave me here alone.
please do.
and all this made me realised that ;
I SHOULD LEAVE SPORE AND GO TO USA
isnt a decision that is totally wrong.
even if i have to leave my friends ;
they will still live as normal.
so do i.
no one will die.
no one will shed tears forever.
no one will be sad forever.
no one will be missing me forever.
no one will be keeping in touch forever.
those are just temporary feelings and thoughts.
those are just temporary words to say because i said " i need to leave spore " out of a sudden.
these arent permanent.
and who knows ?
maybe we wont even keep in touch when im gone for months.
no one knows what lies tml.
no one.
xpect GOD.
i dont know what im talking about.
i dont know what i really want.
i dont know what im becoming too.
i dont know !
i dont know !
how i really wish GOD could take me away.
i cant afford to lose anyone now.
i dont know what would happen to me.
its just that friends really hold a too impt place in my heart.
which actually isnt good.
because friends do walk in and out of my life.
no matter what ;
everyone will still split and live in their own lives.
i wish i could leave spore now.
and clear the thoughts in my mind.
and i have to say a big SORRY to everyone who knows me.
perhaps i didnt love anyone truly before.
HAHA.
maybe the word perhaps shouldnt be there.
( dont take this post to heart. haHa. yeaa. i know no one would care anyway. )