2oo4 tO aN eNd.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

3:44 PM

another year had passed. tried to reflect back what i had been thru. did i grow up and changed in some areas. all i had was a dunno. i wished i could stop having a dunno as an answer or maybe just for an excuse. who knows. many things entered my life. and a few went out. like forgetting the pains i had from relationships. thats easy to be cured. but hiding feelings from someone is the hardest thing. it sucks. how i wish there isnt any love in this world. no one needs to be hurt from this word. so simple yet so complicated. the memories of you is like leaving a scar on me. it wont be erase off anymore. but at this moment, i am having doubts. the feelings for you is infatuation or real or even the feeling had already faded away. i dont know anything. i wanted to find an answer. but i am lost without starting. i didnt know where to start from. is knowing you a good thing or a bad thing. i have joys and laughters with you. you didnt bring me any unhappy stuffs. i brought it all upon myself. you wont know anything. because from the begining, i wasnt in your heart. i dont even have a tiny space in your heart. i am trying my best, my very best to change into someone better. not because of you or anyone else. but for myself. can a person whom`s been living like the way she is for fourteen years change into another her. i am stupid. is all i can say to myself. i am just wasting my fourteen years of life this way. waiting for miracles. waiting for dreams. waiting for hopes. waiting for everything that is impossible to happen. its fate and destiny. i have to accept it no matter how much i try not to. will i have a better life as time goes by. but everything going to be fine ; i guess. and i just take one step at a time. and live my life to the happiest point that i can reach. but i am wondering if this kind of positive thinking can last long a not. you wont be leaving my life ; i hope not. maybe if i dont get to know you ; it might be a better thing after all. and i wont have to go thru all these again. envy all those monks or nun. no need to scare you will fall in love le. but i this kind sure cant go and be nun. i am not fit! as each day of my life pass ; feeling that i am like losing out a lot a lot. the next few years are a threat to me. no good year. everything is walking out of my life. everything i hold on too. everything i wish to happen on me. everything!!!! i dont want to start all over again. i just hate a brand new year. everything is back to zero. i have to endure all the sufferings again. i guess i wont be able to put you down. because the only way to put you down is to fall in love with someone else. but i dont want. i dont want to restart all the feelings that i must go thru again. i hate them. what am i going to do. can you tell me. typed lots of messages for you. but i didnt have the courage to give them to you. i am afraid. afraid that you would avoid me. afraid that you would not treat me as a normal friend. afraid of rejection. afraid to let you see me cry. afraid i cant talk to you anymore. afraid of everything bad. why am i so silly. why must i meet you. i regretted everything. regretted everything in my whole life i did. i hate myself. and life really sucks to the core. no way real happiness can come into my life. no more you. no more anyone. i dont want anything at this moment. i on the verge of splitting into pieces. help me. o4 had come to an end. really a bad ending without what i want.


everything in this world had turned to black and white every since i took my first step. everything for me had turned ugly. nothing to bring me back to life.